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Phire


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Joined: 12 Jan 2007
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Location: #FSU #championchip #2012BirdsHoF #2012GoldStnd #YAKtoseIntolerant #TrollyRangers #Danes #CAVALRY
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 7:20 pm    Post subject: Baldies 2012< > Discussion thread Reply with quote

2012 Baldy's Discussion Thread

We will be having the Ceremony on Sun Oct 21st at 1pm.


With the BYE quickly creeping up on us, I wanted to get some discussions going about the 2012 Baldies.

For those newcomers, the Baldies is a tradition started many years ago, and as originally stated by Steegles:

Quote:
This ceremony is to recognize those who have had a positive effect on this forum, like helping out the newer posters.

Thanks to all of your desire to talk Eagles football, we have become one of the top forums on the site! You guys deserve to be recognised! So make sure you look your best!


That was said before becoming the forum with the 2nd most posts on the site, since its inception the Eagles Forum awards ceremonies has recognized those who make the forum a better place.



Previous Iggles Ceremonies (Baldies)
As one of the more active forums on the site, it's appropriate to occasionally take time to acknowledge those who have contributed to its success:
The 2007 Iggles Ceremony
The 2008 Iggles Ceremony - Coming Soon!! (Did not occur?)
The 2009 Baldies Ceremony
The 2010 Baldies Ceremony
The 2011 Baldies Ceremony


Alright Guys it's Voting time. Voting will be open until OCT 15th 10pm. During that week I will be tallying up the totals and asking one of our Sig makers (Silo has volunteered) to make up the winners Sig to be presented by a Guest Announcer! The date of the Cermony will be Sunday Oct 21st 1pm EST . Those of you familiar please PM me (Nabbs4u) the Ballot when ever your done, sooner the better. Please remember that I have taken myself out of consideration for this years Baldy's and am officially retired and going out on top. Cool Newbies to the process!!! Below is a Ballot that you need to copy, paste and fill out. Once you have done that Please send me via PM ONLY your submission. Please take the time to read the rules below and follow them. This form used below (like MKEP) is easier for me to read and tally up. You might find it easier to write the names down on a piece of paper while reading the categories and discription on the front page to then transfer over to the ballot form. At least thats how I like to do it. Thanks to everyone who will cast a Vote and please remember the more who participate in the voting process the better it is for the overall awards. As always PLEASE DO NOT DROP NAMES for who you think should win or whom you voted for in this thread. At the end of the ceremonies we have in the past posted our submissions as a testimate to who we believe should of won. Thanks and Good luck to all




CATEGORIES

Non-Eagles Awards (1)

'Near Perfect Award'
Quote:
Given to the best poster who is a fan of another team than the Eagles, but still adds a welcomed—or needed—difference of perspective regarding our beloved Birds.


Eagles Awards (9)

'The Most Valuable Eaglet Award'
Quote:
A newer poster--less than a year from joining--who is making a name for himself quickly, and has shown the potential to be very good.


'Martin Nodell Award'
Quote:
This award is given to the best artist and the most creative member of the Eagles forum. Inspired by the creator of "The Green Lantern", Martin Nodell, who was born in Philadelphia.


'Art Vandalay Award'
Quote:
This award will be given to a member who best represents the spirit of the Philadelphia forum around the site. Whether in the rivals forum, or in the more general forums, this poster is a force when debating fans from around league. "Always looking to set things straight with rivals and opposing views on the forum, never backs out from any fight."


'Mr. Independent Award'
Quote:
This award goes to the poster that mostly goes against the grain. This is for a poster that isn’t afraid to speak his mind and doesn't follow the crowd.



'The Liberty Bell'
Quote:
This was an original award from the very first Award Ceremony here, but now modified to honor the best overseas poster. Overseas meaning, non-United States, not necessarily and literally overseas.


'Rocky Balboa Award'
Quote:
This award goes to the most improved member of the Eagles forum.


'The Fred-Ex Award'
Quote:
This poster has the best typing fingers of all time. The 'People's Champ', if you will.


'Steegles46 Award'
Quote:
For those that knew him, I think the award name speaks for itself. Steegles was a great part of this Eagles forum and really helped it develop into one of the more active forums on the entire website. This member exemplifies the qualities of a model member and can be said to be "most likely to become a moderator". No current Mods apply. This member always keeps his cool and offers great insight in a positive manner.


'The Gold Standard Award'
Quote:
This award is presented to the most valuable poster on the Eagles forum. This poster is the one who exemplifies to all the other forums what the Eagles—and this forum—are all about. This is the poster whom is most likely to be voted a FootballsFuture MVP.



SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:

COPY THE FOLLOWING LIST AND PICK 1 NAME FOR EACH CATEGORY.

Descriptions of each award can be found on page 1 of either the sticky of this thread.

You may not use a name more than once.

You may vote for yourself.

You may NOT vote for banned members.

Arrow Submissions are to be PM'd to Me!! Just copy and paste the below list. Please Do Not at any time divulge who you voted for in the discussion thread or during the ceremonies until the very end. Thanks.


Quote:
Submission Ballot Form

Near Perfect Award' :


'The Most Valuable Eaglet Award' :


'Martin Nodell Award' :


'Art Vandalay Award' :


'Mr. Independent Award' :


'The Liberty Bell' :


'Rocky Balboa Award' . :


'The Fred-Ex Award' :


'Steegles46 Award' :


'The Gold Standard Award' :




GOOD LUCK


Phire wrote:
If you guys remember two years ago I wrote a story about the Baldies using forum members.

I am going to do that again, but this time we will go back in time to the very first Baldies, ever... and by that I mean way back before modern technology swept the land.

I invite you to read it at your leisure... or not.

**********

The Baldies: ORIGINS, 500 B.C.

Some time long ago, in a world unknown. Inhabitants are split into 4 factions.



Philadelphia
Capital city: Philadelphia
Ruler: The Old King, Nabbulus
Population: 11,000
Religion: The Old God, the sacred bald eagle
Info: Nation holds abundant resources, thriving trade, standard of living is greatest in the world. Small farming communities, has a vibrant culture. Has always been competitive with the other powers, but has never had world dominance.

Dallas
Capital city: Dallas
Ruler: Emperor Jerree
Population: 8,000
Religion: King Jerree is everything
Info: The present day kingdom of Dallas is a shell of its former glory, once enjoying almost 90% of the world's land mass. Divisions within its borders have contributed to the fall of Dallas, with growing concerns over the legitimacy of their emperor, Jerree.

Washington
Capital city: Washington
Ruler: The Snyder Corporation
Religion: St. Taylor
Info: Washington has enjoyed its time of glory as well, but a lack of proper infrastructure and a "business driven" culture has lead to poor foresight and bad planning. The dashing young prince, Prince Dashing, has begun to consolidate power and influence.

New York
Capital city: New York
Ruler: Unknown
Religion: Unknown
Info: The islands of New York have launched their offensives through the seas, to much success over history. Their inhabitants do not wear clothes, and paint themselves in blue. New York has waged large-scale wars throughout the world, always to retreat back to their islands. The reasons for their attacks are unknown and have baffled historians for centuries.

Prologue

Seasonal power struggles have left the world sundered; the victors prosper and the defeated burn, only to rebuild for the next warring season. This is a tale of a young man from the peaceful farming village of Kolbhaven, from northern Philadelphia.

His name (to be continued...)


Phire wrote:
The introduction can be found >>HERE<<

Chapter 1: Welcome to the Haven

They call him Klitus, the young kilted man of no more than 14 years of age. In the 'Haven' (short for Kolbhaven) everyone wore kilts, because the summers were dry and the winters harsh. In the summer, the kilt would allow for ventilation of the sensitive parts, while in the winter, creating yellow snow was never an issue.



The people of Kolbhaven were simple. They lived in modest homes on family farms; strong kinship among their neighbors kept for a lively community of morally strong and religiously committed simple-folk. On Sundays, they would all gather to honor the God of Old, who, if happy, would keep the winters mild and the produce bountiful.

Kolbhaven was also the most northern village of the entire Philadelphia Kindgom. Surrounded by mountains and a stormy sea to the East, there was never any danger from the neighboring powers of Dallas and New York. Klitus had always heard stories of the old wars from the village elder, Dingo.


pictured: Dingo, Village Elder.

The Kingdom of Philadelphia had enjoyed years of prosperity under their aging king, King Nabbulus. He was praised throughout the lands, even though most people of the Haven have only heard stories of him. In truth, the marble capital city of Philadelphia in the South was very far from the Haven, and a treacherous mountain separates the two. Klitus had always dreamed of going to the capital city one day, and he may have his chance.

King Nabbulus has summoned representatives from all corners of the Kingdom, to join in the first ever "Baldies" in the capital city. It was imperative that a representative from the Haven attend; rumor has it that the King has panic attacks when his subjects don't participate in his events. There was no way Kolbhaven was letting down their King.

The town had unanimously chosen Klitus to make the journey. This was mostly because most of the adults were busy harvesting for the winter, Dingo being way too old and disinterested, and the other kids his age in the Haven were utterly incompetent.

Klitus was excited to make the trip. He would first go to New Dorenbos, a town notorious for its beautiful women, a few days trip to the West. From there, arrangements had been made to meet with a knight of the King to assist him the rest of the way to the capital city.

Klitus had made all preparations and was going to start his journey tomorrow. But he wanted to see the village elder, Dingo, one last time before his departure. Dingo was the only person in the Haven to have ever been to the capital city.

"Hello, wise Dingo, I have made my preparations and I will be leaving tomorrow morning."

"Very well, young Klitus. But I am afraid your journey may not be what you believe it will be. The road to the capital city is dangerous, and you never know who you will encounter. The world... it isn't like the Hav--"
Just then, a cabinet door burst open with a large BANG. A dark shadowy figure who crawled the walls like a wolf-spider chaotically went about the small house of Dingo.

"What in the name of the Old God is this?" Dingo blurted out. Klitus feared for his life.

The shadowy figure hung from the ceiling, and when the candlelight revealed the creature's face, both Dingo and Klitus were in absolute shock.



The creature was a hideous, vile, wretched animal with a twisted face all dark and dirty. His face was contorted in inhumane ways, with a devilish smile, his serpent-like green tongue went in and out of his mouth like a slinky. His eyes were insane, the left one looked all the way right and his right eye seemed to look right. Some sort of dark fluid leaked from the creature's nose that looked like venom.

Just then, the creature fixated on Klitus, then let out a long, deep "Me... Slaaaaaam.... man...." then jumped for the young lad.

At that very instant, an arrow came flying through the back window and pierced the creature known as 'Slamman' right through his little lifeless heart, mid-air, and dropped the beast flat on the floor.

Stunned, Klitus and Dingo, could not move.

From the same window the arrow had come through, a man in a dark tunic and light armor crawled in. That's right, gosh darn meadow flaming NinjusPilato in the ha-ouse!



"Gather your belongings, young Klitus. We leave immediately."

"Go with him, young lad. He bears the symbol of the Old God, you can trust him." Dingo said.

Klitus nodded, and exited the house with the strange warrior, who was dressed half pirate, half ninja.

As they exited, a young, pale kid about the same age of Klitus came running, probably hearing the commotion from within.



"Oh gee-williger Klitus, what ha--"

Ninjus swiftly punched the young man right in the face and left him unconscious.

"Why did you do that? That's my friend Olynd!" Klitus asked.

Ninjus shrugged, and proceeded to walk.

Olynd stood, and with a slight crack in his voice said "I'm coming too."


Phire wrote:
Chapter 2: The "Sup"

Ninjus, Klitus, and Olynd made camp for the night slightly off the road.



They had only gone about half an hour before Olynd began whining incessantly. He was threatened a few times by the strange, dark man known as Ninjus, who was he and why did Dingo trust him so suddenly? One thing was clear: Ninjus was NOT putting up with Olynd's whining.

Klitus tried to rest but he thought he heard some rustling in the woods. Certainly, out here, there would be some strange creatures. What if Slamman wasn't truly dead? Or what if there were more? Klitus still did not fully understand what was going on, but he didn't feel Ninjus was the talking type anyways.

Klitus heard more rustling noises and was starting to worry.

"Hey Nin... I think there's something in the woods."

Ninjus turned around from where he was seated on a log and in that instant, something was off. Klitus saw that their protector was completely intoxicated.

"Ihmmnb... hic... Inffnnnmm... whale... huntingddg..."

And Ninjus stumbled off into the woods.



Klitus was worried, but felt he would be fine. He thought he heard Olynd whimpering in his corner but... who knows. Klitus walked over to the shrubbery with a lit torch to investigate what was there.

Something smelled odd, and Klitus wasn't too sure what to make of the smell. But it was definitely familiar... something from The Haven...



Out came the other boy from The Haven, Arbeeceus, or RBC for short, and his pet raccoon, Denmarky.

RBC was quite the enigma. His parents only know English, like everyone else in the Haven, and yet, the more English they tried to teach him, the more Danish he learned. To make matters even more strange, on the first day of kinderfarten (Haven equivalent for kindergarten), a baby raccoon accompanied a young RBC to school and freaking learned English. With a cool British accent too. He translates for RBC.



The raccoon eloquently explained:

"Olynd planned for us to follow you to the capital city. My Grace objected to the idea... but in the end, agreed that the Haven would be very boring without sir Klitus and Olynd.

"That's fine, Denmarky. You are a good raccoon."

"Thank you, the pleasure is my Grace's."

Klitus didn't like how this strange raccoon refers to RBC as a king, but he was a speaking raccoon... so who was he to judge?

"Come on, let's get some rest. Ninjus will be back soon, hopefully."

Just then, from behind, they heard a "Sup."



Klitus, Olynd, RBC, and the raccoon Denmarky all stood in silence at the strange man. Something was off about him. Something said to not trust him.

He spoke: "Sup, bros. Whaddup. Come at me, yo. I dare you."

"I don't believe we know you." Klitus spoke up.

The man says: "So what? Brah? Come at me, nah, you're soft."

RBC looked nervous and was chewing on a twig. His raccoon tried to calm him.

The man spoke again, suddenly acting polite: "Ah right, just wanted to know if you guys had any food I could borrow."

What could they do? Say no? The guy looked like he was homeless.

Klitus handed him a loaf of their bread and said "Take a slice. What's your name, by the way?"

"Why brah? Why you wanna know? I don't roll that way like he does (points at Olynd). Name's Crab Jansen. Come at me. Hey yo, I needa take a leak. Be right back bros."

The man stepped into the darkness.

"Who the hell?" Olynd exclaimed.

"I don't know, but I don't trust him." Klitus said. "Wait a minute, that guy took our bread!"

But he was gone by then. Nothing they could do in the wild at night. This never would have happened at the Haven, but as Dingo warned, the world wasn't like the Haven.



Phire wrote:
Chapter 3: The Road to New Dorenbos

The 4 youngsters, Klitus, Olynd, RBC, and his pet raccoon Denmarky(b27) set off on their travels the next morning, without Ninja. They have no idea where he went, but assumed he had some important issues to deal with.

The morning was cool. They made their way along the road to New Dorenbos, coming up to a bridge. Olynd kept complaining and singing Three Danish Grannies lyrics, which was stressing out the remaining members of the party.

When they started to cross the bridge, Denmarky perked up his little raccoon head, sniffing the air.

"Sup."



"Hey you're Crab Jansen! You took our bread last night!" Klitus exclaimed.

"Nah brah, what? Come on bro, don't front me like that. I'm Chip Janger."

Klitus was sure it was Crab Jansen.

"Yo bros, can I see that raccoon?"

RBC's eyes widened, and he held onto his furry buddy.

This is when Olynd went insane.



Inspired by Three Danish Grannies lyrics, he drew his knife and pointed it, right at Crab Jansen.

"Yo bro, I don't roll like that man, relax yo."

Olynd did not let down.

"Come on bro, don't play me like this."

Just then, a sharp whistle came from the road behind Crab Jansen.



"I am Officer Willy, and I protect the Law of the King. You are all under arrest for disturbing the peace, and ceejay will be charged of burglary, violence, fleeing the King's justice, and deserting the war against Dallas."

"Ahh snap yo, I said I would be back." Ceejay pleaded.

Officer Willy put them all in crates and told his two deputies, Deputy Blick and Deputy Meco to load them up to a horse-drawn-sled.

"You all will fight in the war against Dallas. New Dorenbos may be burning as we speak, we must leave immediately and prepare for her defense."


Phire wrote:
Chapter 4: New Dorenbos

On his road to the first ever Baldies, Klitus of Kolbhaven did not expect such dire turn of events. Now locked up in Officer Willy and his two deputies' cages, arrested for a scuffle with ceejay, they would end up in the city of New Dorenbos...

Deputy Blick tossed the cage RBC was in with his raccoon, Denmarky, and the two of them squealed.

"Sir Willy... making these clowns fight in the war will hurt our cause, not help it." Blick said.

Deputy Meco seemed to agree. "This one (points to ceejay) is a complete lost cause, what's the point of feeding his dirty, hungry mouth? He's just going to desert again."

Officer Willy silenced the two. "We will proceed as planned. The Dallas armies are on the move, they could be here at any time, and we need all the people we have to win this battle."

Officer Willy opened the doors of their cages.
"Welcome to New Dorenbos. Escaping will result in punishment by a cruel and unusual death. Do please yourself to the great establishments here at New Dorenbos."



New Dorenbos wasn't what it was piped up to be. Klitus had heard old stories from Dingo. Mostly about the brothels and women here. It was true that New Dorenbos was notorious for its beautiful women, but as the newly-arrived looked into the dank streets, it was mainly drunken Philadelphia men, clad in armor and wielding weapons.

Ceejay had gone with Officer Willy, the deputies lead Klitus and his friends to an armory and dressed them with battle-wear.

Olynd insisted on utilizing his knife, and pointed it at Deputy Blick whenever it was suggested that he use a proper weapon.

Afterwards, they were set free. Klitus looked pretty cool in his new outfit, but unsurprisingly, Olynd and RBC looked like straight fools. They didn't have any raccoon gear for Denmarky.

They made their way to a near-by tavern that was making a large ruckus.



As they entered, they saw a sea of drunken men, mostly "browned out" soldiers who were so drunk they were unconscious. There was a stage, and on the stage was a band.

"Ahh, no way!" Olynd said.

"What is it?" Klitus asked.

"That's a famous band I think, their music is nothing compared to Three Danish Grannies (and their hit, 'I, Dane, Everything about you'), what was their name again?"

"That's Sargent JNCO's Traveling Jorts Club Band!" Denmarky exclaimed.



And lo' and behold, there was The Blah, the dreamy front-man of his band. He was singing a tune about an epic whale hunt, and the 3 young travelers + 1 raccoon wasn't too sure why everyone thought it was so funny.

Realizing the 4 were making a fool of themselves standing there, Klitus motioned to sit at a table. A waiter came by pretty quickly.

"Hello, children... I am 808, we are only serving one thing tonight... the finest, Philadelphian ale. Here's a pitcher for you."

"Dude, why is your name a number?" Olynd whined.

"I am from a faraway island... which was conquered by the current King, Nabbulus, he went through the trouble to give all the inhabitants new names because our indigenous names were too hard to pronounce for him... and eventually after about 50 of us went through, he just started assigning numbers instead of names to speed the process."

Nobody spoke. When Klitus looked, RBC had already passed out inhaling the fumes coming from the ale, Olynd took a sip and was instantly smashed. Klitus was about to poor himself a glass when Olynd jumped onto their table, completely drunk, knocking over everything, and started belting Three Danish Grannies lyrics.

Once he did, the entire hall went silent. The Blah gave a stern, confused look at the drunken youngster, and exclaimed:

"Wot in the bloody hell is going on in here?"

Not taking kindly to the interruption, Olynd unsheathed his knife and pointed it at the Blah.

Everyone gasped, and was about to cut the youngster down when a loud horn had gone off.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNG

They heard bells outside. Everyone began to scramble, and RBC seemed to wake up.

"What's going on?" Klitus tried to ask a nearby person.

"They're here, boy. Get ready to fight."



The city was ablaze, and Klitus could see naked, barbarian tribesmen wielding long spears and large shields running through the streets fighting Philadelphian soldiers.

They were no doubt from the Kingdom of Dallas. Here to ransack New Dorenbos!

Klitus looked upon the chaos and saw a familiar figure, Ninja! The warrior clad in all black was slicing through Dallas men one by one, but they never seemed to stop coming. It was once said of Dallas, that during their years of primacy, that many people of the world band-wagoned into their nation. Overpopulation and years of corruption from their absolute Monarch, Jerree, had driven their population poorly insane and rebellious.

Klitus looked over to his let and saw ceejay bailing. No surprise.

RBC, Olynd, Klitus, and Denmarky knew nothing of fighting, so they sat back, gathered supplies for the warriors on the front and tended to the injured.

They labored endlessly, and there seemed to be no stop.

Klitus overheard one commander, probably High Commander McMc, speak of unleashing their "ultimate weapon."

His surrounding men were screaming that there was no way, even in hell, that they could unleash the "ultimate weapon".

High Commander McMc stopped mid-speech, to draw his sword.



"Princess Matts, we meet again." McMc exclaimed.

Princess Matts was hardly a princess at all. A born noble who was genetically female, yet physically male, she had more hair on her body than a mountain yeti. Her black, course hairs, even from the armpits hung down to her knees. Many stories had been told of her formidable stench, and it was very well confirmed. Her veins protruded from her neck, and her teeth a jagged, black mess chattered hideously as she lunged for High Commander McMc.

McMc, the veteran soldier, thought fast and pierced the she-male beast right through the chest with his sword.

Princess Matts writhed in pain like an earthworm cut into 4's, but for some reason she only seemed to be bothered by the wound.

Just then, she began to convulse, and bloat, a little bigger, and bigger... she appeared to be pregnant. The horrifying sight was so unbearable to watch. Princess Matts bloated more and more until the brink of bursting, and at that point, McMc was screaming for his men to "unleash the weapon!"

Impregnated by some foul entity, Princess Matts burst into hundreds, if not thousands, of the vile creature known as "Slamman". Its grotesque form rained down on New Dorenbos like black snow, green tongued and vile as ever, they clung to Philadelphian warriors like sea-monkeys.



But it was too late for Dallas, too late for anyone. Somebody had unleashed the Ultimate Weapon.



Klitus saw the towering monolith of a monster rise out of the Keep at New Dorenbos. It was rumored long ago that beneath the keep was a vast cave where a monstrous animal slept. They say it formed out of the sins of men, feeding on dark thoughts of men that it itself instills among them. As it slumbered beneath New Dorenbos, it grew in size and power.

It was a beast known to many as Powerawonasgnadhnfahnd Elitehaasdhofhasdoifhad... or simply PE.

This monster was a twisting hurricane of tentacles and death. Anyone within its waking vicinity was filled with irrational thoughts.

(In fact, this monster will grow again in the late 1990's and into the 2000's, instilling insanity and irrationality within the Eagles coaching staff and management, namely Andy Reid who feeds upon the corrupted cheesesteaks... and others such as Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder to make terrible decisions. It will be useless against Eli Manning, though, which remains to be a mystery why.)



The monster roared and everything in New Dorenbos trembled in fear.

Olynd somehow had the audacity to point his knife at it, but it would prove to be a disastrous mistake. One of PE's hundreds of tentacles grabbed Olynd by the neck, and sling-shotted a screeching Olynd into outer space. Rest in peace.

The monster roared again, and in a flash, there was nothing.

_________________
theuntouchable wrote:
Think about this phire. I am the real chow.

RainbowCarebear wrote:
Only for the quick and lucky.


Last edited by Phire on Sun Oct 21, 2012 2:33 am; edited 4 times in total
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Phire


Moderator
Joined: 12 Jan 2007
Posts: 50100
Location: #FSU #championchip #2012BirdsHoF #2012GoldStnd #YAKtoseIntolerant #TrollyRangers #Danes #CAVALRY
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Phire wrote:
Chapter 5: The 'Dashing' Prince

Eggs. And blood.

Klitus found himself in a homely log cabin, not exactly sure where, but he saw a fireplace, a table, with not a soul in sight. Where was he? There were no windows. Just eggs, and blood.

"Boo."

And a hammerhead shark.



"What the HAVEN???" Klitus exclaimed.

The hammerhead shark swam around the log cabin jovially, but this was a spooky sight nonetheless. He was a bit translucent, he must have been some sort of ghost. A hammerhead shark ghost?
Klitus wasn't sure if anything could surprise him at this point on his journey to the first ever Baldies.

"I am Hamratime, the hammerhead shark ghost and your guardian hammerhead shark."

Klitus couldn't believe what he was hearing. "What do you mean? Where am I? Who are you?"

"I am Hamratime. I am your guardian hammerhead shark. I watch over you and make sure your journey goes according to plan. Only I can decide when you are ready to die.
You must be on your way now."

"Wai-----."

Too late. Klitus went spinning in a white tornado of light and wind. When he was conscious again, he was lying in darkness.



He realized he was in a bag. And moving on a bumpy road.
He knew he was on a cart of some sort, and the smell, the horrid smell. He tried to claw his way out but couldn't. He felt around for something he could use, and found something under him. A knife.

He unsheathed it and cut himself through. He realized it was Olynd's knife. When he had remembered how the monster, PE, threw Olynd into outer space, he said a short prayer for his friend.

He looked around, it was night.

Klitus realized now that he was on a cart full of body bags. Probably remains from the battle at New Dorenbos.
But where he was, or where he was going, he was not sure.

He worried about his friend RBC and the raccoon Denmarky.
But he realized he should be worrying about his own well being at this point.

He could make out a silhouette of a man driving the cart. He decided to call out to him.

"Hello?"

The man almost fell off the cart.

"Who in God's name is there!"

"It's me, Klitus. Where are we going?"

"You're alive???"

"Yes."

"Well color me silly. They call me Coreneliusthought, just call me Nles for short. You're supposed to be dead!"

"Well I'm not. Where are we going?"

"Son, you're about 15 minutes outside Dashing's Landing."

"Dashing's Landing? Is that close to Philadelphia?"

"Gods no, we're going the opposite way. A strange prince has his own city, he puts big money corpses... a really disturbed fellow."

"Why would he want corpses?"

"You're better off not knowing, young lad. We're about to set up camp, we'll finish business in the morning."


Dashing's Landing
Population: Unknown

Dashing's Landing was a very interesting city. The entire town was green, with natural overgrowth concealing most of the intertwining networks of roads and tunnels. There was no wall protecting it, and the entire city appeared desolate.

There were, though, turtles. Turtles everywhere.



Nles drove his cart up to a shining palace. There was a grand courtyard with fountains and pools, with turtles freely swimming in them. Still, Klitus saw no people.

When they got to the front steps of the palace, a young man adorned in a long red robe came out to greet them.



"Nice to see you again, Prince Dashing." Nles said.

"Hey, do you have teh stuffs? And you brought a frend too, how nice!" Dashing said.

"Yes, I have your shipment. And my friend here... needs to get to Philadelphia. I take it you can help him out?" Nles pleaded.

"Yes, I am Klitus, I am here by accident. I need to get to the city of Philadelphia. Can you help me?"


The young prince cocked his head, contemplated for a few seconds with a spacey gaze, then with a smirk, said,
"Why yes, of coarse. My welth is endless, but stay a whyle, I will hav arrangerments made for you to make it to yor city."

Klitus did not like this prince. Something was off.

Dashing paid Nles a hefty sum. Nles then told Klitus good bye, good luck, and left on his cart, now empty.

Dashing collected about 6 cadavers.
"Kan you jus grab that there?" Dashing said.

Klitus assisted. If he was going to make it out of this strange city, and make the Baldies on time, he had to comply to whatever this strange young prince demanded.

**********
*****

Once inside the palace, Klitus saw more turtles. Why were there so many turtles? And Dashing didn't seem to pay any attention to them... yet, strangely, Klitus felt the turtles were watching him behind his back.

The palace was all maroon. The prince may have been really wealthy, rubies, garnet, and other red gemstone lined the walls ornately, while golden tapestries contrasted beautifully to them.

"Uhmm, Dashing, excuse me... prince... where are all the people?"

"Oh, theyveve jsut arrived!"

**********

Dashing opened a massive maroon door with a ruby door-handle.

Klitus walked in and saw a beautiful throne, and a long table. He also saw bones. Human bones.

"What the!?" Klitus exclaimed.

Dashing proceeded to put the cadavers into the seats around the table. He fixed them some salad, and poured them all wine. A dark, red, maroon wine.

When he was done, he sat at the head of the table in his throne.

"My frends always get sad after a few days."



This was the saddest thing Klitus had ever seen.

"Prince Dashing... I need to know how I can get to Philadelphia. Immediately."

"Oh, so soone? Go to the harber and there should be some botes passing, just ring the bell."

Intermission



Klitus heard the mission bells.
And he was thinking to himself,
'This could be heaven or this could be hell.'
He followed the lit candles, which showed him the way.
He thought he heard voices down the corridor...
And thought he heard them say...

Klitus burst out of the palace, heart pounding. He had to get out of here. He had seen with his own eyes the vile Slamman, the obscene Princess Matts, the horrifying PE, and saw much bloodshed, yet, nothing had prepared him for the hell that was Dashing's Landing.

One man's heaven, was one man's hell.

And now Klitus had to run, run from this all, run from the turtles... yes, the turtles. Their gaze was haunting. Almost as if they were angry that he was running from their utopia.

And this is why nobody ever ventures into the Washington Redskins forum.

Klitus ran for the light-house. When he got there, he ran to the top and rung the bell. He rung it for what seemed like hours, when he saw a ship in the distance...



Klitus ran down the steps, as fast as he could.

He got to the empty harbor, and saw that the ship was approaching. Thank the Good Lord.

When it finally docked, he ran to its side. A wooden plank protruded and attached to the dock.

A colorful man came walking across with a large grin to greet him. He appeared to be a clown, and a sailor? A sailor clown? Or a clown sailor?



"Well howdy there LOL, they call me Kev Kolb LOLOL."

"I'm Klitus, what's so funny?"

"IDKMYBFFJILL LOL LOL. You LOL coming aboard the Mother Lewis LOL?"

"Are you drunk? Whatever, I need to get out of here. I need to get to Philadelphia but I'm willing to go wherever that's not here."

"LOL yeah this place stinks, come aboard, we're headed for Philadelphia, to go to the Baldies LOL." Kev Kolb said.

"Sweet! That's where I'm headed!"

"LOLOLOL then what the hell are you doing in this hell-hole LOL?"

"Long story, let's just go."

Klitus boarded the Mother Lewis without looking back. For the first time on his journey, he thought his luck had turned for the better.

"Come meet the captain LOLOL."

Klitus walked around the vast hull of the Mother Lewis. She was a sturdy ship, with broad, tall masts and expansive sails that caught the wind perfectly.

Kev Kolb lead him inside to the captain's room.
Once inside, the grotesque conditions of the room almost made Klitus hurl. There was a round table, with an assortment of booze in a crate. All opened and half gone. In the corner was a single toilet, which appeared to be for the sole purpose of puking. Yet, it looked like whoever had been puking there hit everything but the hole in the toilet.

"Chip chip cheeri-o, matey, I am Captain Lewis, owner and ...hic, captain of this 'ol girl we call the Mother Lewis."



Captain Lewis was visibly intoxicated, but to a level that Klitus had never seen before.

"It's a very nice ship... how soon until we reach Philadelphia?"

"Ahh, whenver we ...hic, get there Klitus!"

The captain stumbled.

"LOLOLOL." Kev Kolb heckled. His eyes bulging and tongue spinning in a helicopter motion.

The two men went outside. Klitus followed.

Once outside, a few more men had gathered and were working.

A man who wore his experience on his face, Jay Rock, was a muscular man with a cool demeanor on his face. He introduced himself to Klitus. On a scale from 1 to Captain Lewis, he was about a level 6 drunkenness.

Another was The Wabbit, who had what appeared to be turrets, except all he blurted was about killing some rabbit... or wabbit. That's how he got his nickname.
"Get dat wabbit.. yeah, dat wabbit.."
He was about a 4 on the scale.

The third man Klitus met was Eafan, or 53681, which had been tattooed on his forehead. He was a large man, and was arranging barrels of rum.

The men were constantly drinking. And they were puking, constantly, and singing, and partying, and making noise. Occasionally coming close to fighting, then in the end, being friends again.

After an hour or so, the weather had turned for the worse.



"Hey! Who is navigating this ship anyways? Are we going the right way?" Klitus called out loud.

He was ignored. The steering wheel spun left, and right, freely.

The waves were getting stronger, and Klitus had a hard time keeping balance. The sailors were fine though, and Kev Kolb was even doing a one-legged dance amid the stormy ride.

Captain Lewis then called out:
"MEN! TONIGHT'S GOING TO BE A BROWN OUT!"

The men chanted in unison:
"AAAAOOOO, AAAAOOOO, AAAAOOOO!"

The winds and waves were both stronger and stronger.

"TONIGHT... WE WILL MAKE MEN OF OURSELVES ONE MORE!"

"AAAAOOOO, AAAAOOOO, AAAAOOOO!"

"TONIGHT... IS A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT... FOR A WHALE HUNT!!!"

Captain Lewis and his men all cheered.

Klitus was now worried. "Whale hunt?"

Jay Rock leaned toward him. "Yes son, a whale hunt. Nothing is more glorious for a man, especially a young man... prepare for a wild ride. And remember, she is never on top."

And with that, Captain Lewis screamed:
"BRING HER IN!"



The wind was too strong. The waves too strong. A gigantic oceanic beast leaped over the Mother Lewis, and Klitus swore he made eye contact with it. He once again felt the fear he had felt on consecutive days now.

"She's gonna blow!!!"

A large wave swept everything on the Mother Lewis. Including Klitus.


Phire wrote:
Chapter 6: The Blues

Shipwrecked.

The last thing Klitus saw before the Mother Lewis capsized was that giant beast, whose jump cast a wave just as monstrous, which was too much for the Mother Lewis.

Klitus hung onto a large curved plank, which served as somewhat of a life-boat. He wasn't sure if anyone else survived.

He had fallen asleep out of sheer exhaustion. Cradled in that warped piece of hull, he awoke to a beaming, bright, and powerful sun overhead. He waters were calm and he heard the gulls call overhead.



When he opened his eyes, he saw the beautiful sky-blue waters meet the white sand. The island was lush with tropical vegetation.
He had heard old Dingo tell stories about New York, the island nation to the East which was home to the little blue men.

As the waves gently washed him ashore, Klitus saw a dark figure laying in the sand, face down.

Klitus ran over to the body and flipped him over. It was Jay Rock! An expression of pain seemed to have been mixed into his naturally cool demeanor. Klitus splashed some water onto his face with the hope that he would respond.

After a bit, Jay Rock coughed up some sand and seawater and opened his eyes.

"Am I dead?"

"No. It's me, Klitus, our ship capsized!"

At that moment, Jay Rock's eyes widened and fixated behind Klitus, but both men were too late to respond. Something had struck the back of Klitus' head and all was black.

*****

When Klitus woke again, he felt a strong pain in the back of his head, and he could feel the blood, now hardened, which had streamed down the back of his head, neck, and back. He was bound to a stake in the ground, his hands, and feet, bound together firmly.

He opened his eyes.

All around him were similar stakes with people tied to them. He wasn't sure if they were alive or dead. Some of them were people he had known.

In all there were 7 of them, bound around a blazing fire, close enough to where your skin burned.

To his left were Jay Rock from before, and the Blah, lead singer of Sargent JNCO's Traveling Jorts Club Band. To his right, in a semi-circle, and in order, were 53681, (LOL) Kev Kolb, and Wabbit. He couldn't make out the remaining 2 people.

On thing was clear: they were captive.

"Hey, hey guys..." Klitus whispered, not really too sure what he was being quiet from.

When nobody responded, he tried a little louder.

"Anybody awake!?"

Then, from the opposite side of the fire, one of the two unidentifiable bodies simply said:

"Sup."



"Crab? Crab Jansen?" Klitus knew that voice.

"Nah bro, it's Cliff Jingle."

"Crab I know who you are, we've met before. Don't try to fool me." Klitus responded angrily.

"Alright alright bro, I got you, damn homie. Just don't say my name too loud, aiiiight???"

Klitus thought to himself, "Of all people, why Crab?"

"Yo when those blue freaks come back I'mma show them not to screw with Ceejay." Crab Jansen promised.

Just then, they heard some chatter from beyond the tree line. Four blue small-men came out of the woods, dragging yet another unconscious body. Klitus did not know who this was. They bound the body to a stake in the ground, and tied him up as well.

The blue people were just that, little blue people. They were no taller than 4 feet tall each, and they wore silly white hats and only a loincloth to hide their private parts.



Most of them were hideous. Their faces were disproportional, noses too big, lips too fat, teeth so jagged and crowded their mouths, their ears spanned out from the sides of their head like bat wings. And they seemed to be easily agitated, on two occasions a fight broke out among the blue-men for what seemed like absolutely nothing at all.

"Yo freaks, come at me yo." A bound Crab Jansen challenged, who spat in their direction.

Angered, the blue folk leered at him, but then gave way to a particularly twisted looking blue-man. The blue folk began to moan

"Geeeeeeeeeemennnnnnnnnnnn...."

The blue-man known as Gemen approached Crab with a stern look on his face, and a short wooden spear in hand.

As he approached Crab, Crab began to whimper.

"Yo man, I didn't mean it like that, please don't hurt me come on bro, don't be like that bro -AHHH!"

Gemen jabbed him in the gut with the blunt end of his spear, then kicked Ceejay in the gonads.

As he and the rest of the blue-men disappeared into the foliage once more, Ceejay hung there crying and moaning.

Just then, Klitus heard a familiar voice.

"Sir Klitus!"



Denmarky the raccoon!

"Sir Klitus, what are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here? Well, who cares, is RBC here?"

"Yes, master RBC is next to Crab."
The raccoon scurried over to sniff the newcomer to their left.

"Denmarky, what the hell is going on here?"

"I can't be certain, but it appears we are being held captive by the blue people of New York. My gosh, is this the Blah? Lead singer of Sargent JNCO's Traveling Jorts Club Band?"

Denmarky nibbled on the Blah's toes, who then regained consciousness.

"The bloody hell, what is going on? AHH! Out with you dirty animal!"
The Blah kicked Denmarky away who gave a faint yelp.

"Denmarky, come to me." Klitus said. "See if you can untie me from this."

Denmarky worked at the roping, and was able to free Klitus.

"Hey rat, come get me off of this yo." Crab had said.

"No Denmarky, leave him." Klitus ordered.

"Yo WTF??? Come on bro, why you being like that?"

"We can't have people running around drawing attention, we need to make an escape plan."

Klitus went around and tried to wake everyone up. One by one, he succeeded, including RBC who didn't say anything but his eyes widened, showing his excitement to be reunited with his buddy from the Haven.

Jay Rock started, "I'll be darned, we're on the islands of New freaking York."

The Wabbit intervened, "Get dat wabbit.. yeah, dat wabbit... get it..."

Kev Kolb then proceeded, "LOL where's Captain Lewis??"

53681 finished, "A good captain always goes down with his ship."

They sat in silence for a little.

"We don't have much time. We need to--" Klitus had started, but then he heard the chatter from the woods and the blue-men were approaching.

Panicking, Klitus whispered "everyone act asleep!" and placed himself up to his stake, pretending to be tied up still.

The blue-men didn't bring anything this time, but they seemed more agitated than before. More bickering and fighting. Gemen lead them to a silent Crab Jansen, who started to quiver as they approached him.

Gemen nailed him in the family jewels once more, causing Crab Jansen to cry out in pain.

Then they left again.

As soon as their chatter had died down, Klitus freed himself. Some of the sailors looked at Ceejay and laughed at him.

"Yo that's not funny bros. I dare you to come at me."

"Enough." Klitus had ordered. "We need to get off of this island, and we can't reduce ourselves to the level of the blue-people, fighting and bickering. I've got a plan."



Klitus was the man with the plan in the sand. Like a sandlot quarterback, he drew out his elaborate play.

They would have to fight the hunting party currently lead by Gemen. If they just left, there would be an island-wide response to their escape.

Jay Rock the wise suggested there would be harbors with sea-vessels, the blue-men were notorious sea-men. The islands weren't especially large, if they follow the coast they could spot a harbor within a half-day's search.

They could hijack one of their ships at night and make for Philadelphia.

The plan was simple. Klitus predicted they would be back within the hour. Once they came back, they would have Crab taunt them over and humiliate him. Everyone would be unbound from their stakes, and once they turned their backs to the prisoners, they would take the stakes and beat the blue-people down with them.

The plan was met with mixed reaction.

The newcomer who Klitus did not know spoke for the first time.
"I will remove my stake all-together and perch myself onto the far tree. They will not notice that one of us are missing. If one of the blue-men try to run, I will clean him up."

Klitus agreed that would improve the plan. "Who are you anyways?"

"I am Beesixty. I am a travelling man on a spiritual journey. I was actually captured on purpose for the story. And now I'm going to be able to tell about how we escaped as well."

Klitus nodded.

"Yo no way, bro, NO WAY, I am not getting nutcracker'd again." Crab protested.

"Then I will." Klitus volunteered. It was for their escape, and he had enough of this island already.

They all unbound from their stakes.

Beesixty climbed a nearby palm tree and crouched like a tiger ready to pounce.

They all still pretended to be bound, though, and when the moment was right, they would get their revenge.

The blue-men came back, alright. Still snickering, bickering, and clambering among themselves. Gemen once again approached Ceejay, who looked at Klitus nervously.

Klitus taunted them the only way he knew how.

"Uhmm... come at me... bro?"

Gemen and his half-dozen blue-men spun around and glared at him angrily.

"Uhh, that's right, you ain't got nothing... on me?" Klitus tried again.

The blue men were jumping up and down in fuming anger. Crab gave a slight smirk when Gemen unleashed a hay-maker right into Crab's balls. All the blue-men laughed.

Just then, though, Ceejay hunched over in reaction to being hit, showing that he was unbound. The blue-men were shocked.

Without saying anything, Klitus and the imprisoned leaped to action, swung their heavy stakes at the blue-people and struck them down. The surprised blue-folk had no time to react.

Gemen began to run, but as he did, Beesixty leaped from his perch and struck Gemen down, who splattered like a bumblebee under a heavy foot.

Mission accomplished, Klitus thought to himself.


Phire wrote:
Chapter 7: The Baldies

With the blue-men and their volatile leader, Gemen defeated, the party had to move fast.

"We've got about 6 hours before nightfall." The wise Jay Rock noted.

"LOL I've been seeing some gulls flying west, most likely the coast is near-by LOLOL." Kev Kolb announced.

"Get that wabbit.. yeah, that wabbit.." Wabbit mumbled.

"We will go West, then. Let's go." Klitus said.

"Sorry friends, this kitten will not be going West." Beesixty said, as he straddled behind. "I am a man who welcomes friendship, but I am part of no wolf pack..." And with that, Beesixty bounded off into the forest on all fours.

The rest of the crew started to head West.
This was probably one of the strangest band of characters to have ever been assembled.

The young and naive Klitus from the Haven.
The young and mute RBC from the Haven.
His talking pet raccoon Denmarky.
The broad-shouldered and experienced sailor Jay Rock.
The powerful 5-36-81 who only spoke when necessary.
The strange man, Wabbit.
The notorious traitor, deserter, and complainer, Crab Jansen or Ceejay.
And finally the lead singer of a world-famous band, the Blah.



They had walked for about an hour when the Blah asked Klitus to step aside and speak to him in private.

"Klitus."

"Yes? What is it Blah."

The two men spoke in private, seemingly collaborating something. It wasn't clear as to what they spoke of, though.

When they finally reached the coast, they were greeted by a gleaming, blue ocean as calm as Jay Rock's face. Such a beautiful sight, for a dangerous island, Klitus thought to himself.

"Yo homies, we there yet?" Ceejay whined.

"What does it look like, clown." 5-36-81 fired back.

Even Ceejay seemed to not be himself lately, he normally would have fired back a challenge or insult but he kept to himself, realizing this was not the time to make enemies.

"Quiet, there, a harbor." Jay Rock said.



The harbor was clamoring with blue-men, going on and off their ships, some large warships, others small fishing boats. The harbor was impressive, storehouses lined the coast and docks sprawled out over the still waters like a spider web.

"There's too many of them." Klitus sighed.

"They will settle eventually." Jay Rock reassured. "These are the times I wish Captain Lewis were still around... rest in peace."

"Rest in peace." 5-36-81 and Kev Kolb said in unison, as a tear streamed from the Wabbit's eye.

Klitus didn't fail them last time, and he was confident he could draw up another successful plan to leave this island and get to Philadelphia and the Baldies.

"Ok, let's fall back a bit and think this through."

They crawled through the forest a bit until they found a simple sandy clearing.

"If we are to make way on a ship... it's going to be on that big black ship." Jay Rock said.



"By the size of it, I'd say it's the fastest. As soon as we take one of their vessels, they will come after us with their entire fleet. Our only chance is to outrun them."

"LOL hey guys, look there LOL." Kev Kolb said in a hushed voice.

2 dark ships, armed with cannons swiftly sailed about a hundred yards off the coast.

"Patrol ships." 5-36-81 said.

"What are we to do now?" Denmarky squealed. RBC held him tight.

Klitus again took control. "We need to leave, tonight. The blue-men will eventually learn of Gemen and his men's deaths. They will know we escaped. Patrol ships or not, when we get an opportunity to leave--"

Just then two more patrol ships came circling around.

"It looks like they may already be on high alert." Jay Rock said sternly.

"Jay Rock, how fast would you say that dark ship is?" Klitus inquired.

"Oh, she's definitely a fast one. But I wouldn't say she would be much faster than those patrol ships, they're built for speed."

Klitus tried to process the situation for a minute.
"OK, then, we draw them to land."

"LOL what?" Kev Kolb interjected.

"We start a fire close enough to the harbor to where they will see. They will react to it, hopefully it draws the patrol ships off course." Klitus explained.

"It's a gamble." 5-36-81 doubted.

"Yeah homey that cray!" Ceejay added.

That is when Klitus gathered his strength.

"When I started this journey, I thought I would have an easy stroll to the capital city to enjoy the Baldies. I planned to get there a few days in advance, to enjoy the sights, to pay tribute to the Statue of God, and pray that the Haven is blessed with favorable weather.
"What I got was several near-death experiences, starting with that strange creature Slamman. Then I was escorted part way to New Dorenbos by Ninjus, the drunk. I still don't know who he was or what he wanted. I was arrested, all thanks to Crab Jansen. I lost my friend Olynd in a war with Dallas at New Dorenbos, and was momentarily killed by the monster, PE.
"I saw ghosts, then woke up on a cart full of corpses, then dealt with the deranged Dashing... I thought I would finally escape when Captain Lewis decided it was time to hunt whale and our ship capsized.
"And now I'm here, trapped on an island with some blue freaks, and this is my only chance at getting to where I was supposed to get to in the first place. We either do this together, or we face our fates at the hands of the New Yorkers. All I wanted was to get to Philadelphia, so maybe one day I could tell the young children of the Haven stories like old Dingo does."

"Well kid, it sounds like you've got yourself plenty of stories." Jay Rock said smoothly, the rest of them silent.
"We'll make the fire, but all bets are off."

Klitus smiled.
"We'll make the fire in the shrubbery inland about 200 paces from the harbor. Once the blue-men react and leave the harbor, we swing around the shore and mount the ship.
Ceejay, I have a special mission for you. I want you to, alone, board the black ship first and prep her while we make our run. That way we can leave immediately. If we send any more than one of us, we risk being seen."

Ceejay had a look of surprise.
"Yo I don't know nothing about no-- ...aiiiight homey, I'll drive the ship, leave that to me bro."

"What? You're going to send him LOLOL? Why not someone who actually knows how to handle a boat?" Kev Kolb objected.

"This is for Ceejay. From the moment I met him, he was always a thief, a liar, a traitor. I want him to have his moment of clarity and redemption. If he can pull through for us here, he would be a true hero."

Ceejay's upper lip quivered as his eyes began to shine and gleam. And thus marked the beginning of Crab Jansen's road to redemption.

"I won't let you bros down, I swear it."

Klitus nodded. "Good, I believe in you. Jay Rock, teach him what he will need to do once aboard."

*****INTERMISSION*****
(for best effects, click link ^ and read rest)

Game time.

They all covered themselves in mud, to darken themselves. Even the timid RBC wore an angry face as they quietly stalked the moonlit coast.



They set Crab Jansen buried under sand by the harbor.

When they had separated, Klitus was asked,
"What are you thinking? He's going to fail." By Jay Rock.

"Don't worry. I've got this handled."

The crew, minus Ceejay marked their way to the burning spot. They had gathered kindling wood, dry leaves, and other combustibles.

"Is this going to burn enough?" Klitus pondered aloud.

"Step aside, son." The Blah moved toward their fire pit. He unzipped his jorts, took them off, and held them high into the moonlight.

"This pair had served me well to this day. I know she will burn as brightly as the North Star for me.

And with tears streaming down his face, he tossed the pair of jorts onto the pit.



5-36-81 took from a secret compartment in his trousers a flask of powerful, and flammable, rum. He took a swig of it, hissed at its burning taste, and poured the rest on the Blah's jorts.

Denmarky then began to frivolously scratch his claws together, and within 15 seconds, he had created sparks. And in an instant, a huge fire had burst. The entire island may burn down, Klitus speculated.

"RUN." Jay Rock barked.

They began running to their 2nd meeting point along the coast. About 45 seconds into their break, bells were ringing from the harbor, and they heard the chatter and clamoring.

They ran as fast as they could in the blanket of blackness the night had cast upon them. Tripping over roots and rocks, eventually they go to the sandy coast. They still ran, turned the corner, and the harbor was in view. It was decently illuminated, and they saw little blue-men abandoning their ships and storehouses to try and tame the fire.

They got to where Ceejay was buried, and saw that he was gone. The harbor was relatively empty, and nobody should be remaining on the boats. The island was small and a forest fire was a dire crisis.

"Let's go! What are we waiting for? Crab just lowered the sails!" 5-36-81 said.

Klitus held still.

"Klitus! This is our chance! They're gone and Ceejay is waiting for us!"

Klitus still held still and put an arm out to stop any advancements.

"YOU FOOL!" Jay Rock thundered.

Just then, the large black ship began to move.

"LOL WHAT?!?!?" Kev Kolb said.

"Right on cue." Klitus said with a cue. The rest of them just stared at Klitus.

They heard Crab laughing from the boat as it departed. "Hahahahaha, see you later, haters, PEACE B------!!!"



"There goes your chance, you ruined it Klitus." 5-36-81 said with a solemn tone.

"Don't worry, this is all part of the plan." Klitus said.

Just then, the patrol boats that were docked began in pursuit of Crab's large black ship. They unleashed a siren that summoned more and more patrol ships from the surrounding blackness. In all there may have been 30 ships tailing Crab's ship.

"NOW!" The Blah said. He drew some brown stuff from his sock, and tossed it into the sea.

"What is happening?" Jay Rock asked.

And in that moment, the sea had swollen 40 feet high. Just then, a giant monster emerged from the depths of the sea.



"Meet Reginald, my proud son." The Blah said jovially, as he climbed aboard.
"Let's go, everybody."

One by one they climbed the giant turtle. The Blah whispered to it and they set sail into the ocean, every patrol ship drawn away by Crab Jansen.

Crab Jansen would be caught by the patrol ships. To his credit, he was true to himself till the very end. What the blue-men would do with him was left to the cruelest imagination. Klitus knew Ceejay would bail on them as soon as he had the chance. When The Blah pulled him aside during their walk, he had told Klitus about Reginald.

Some say Crab Jansen, our beloved Ceejay, was a hero.
Some say he was a scummy traitor.

Whatever the case may be, thus ends Ceejay's road to redemption.

*****INTERMISSION 2*****

Now they cruised along the calm ocean. The Blah expects they would all reach Philadelphia by morning, just in time for the Baldies.

Klitus reflected on his incredible journey, but was ready for any twist of events. This time, though, and for the first time in a long time, the twist bore good news.

As they rode through the brightening dawn air, they noticed a large surge of water to the side of Reginald.

A dark shadow loomed beneath, and the men held their breath.

"C... C... Captain Lewis?" Jay Rock stammered.

"Dat wabbit! He got dat wabbit!" The Wabbit said.

"LOL I'll be darned." Kev Kolb admitted.

"And he found himself a beauty." 5-36-81 said with a grin.

Captain Lewis emerged from the depths on the back of a large beast, the monster that capsized the Mother Lewis. The men aboard the Reginald all cheered and clapped for the fearless handler of sea-beasts.

"Like a true captain." Klitus thought.

Together, they all rode to the glistening Philadelphia harbor. The city was all marble white, with magnificent lighthouses that lined the harbor. Many ships that bore the King's banner waved in the air.

When they docked, Klitus kissed the ground.
"RBC, Denmarky, let's go!"

The three of them ascended the curved roads to the King's palace. Once inside, they saw the glorious statue of the God of Philadelphia, the Gold of Old who had overseen the people for thousands of years. The three inhabitants of the Haven all prayed for good harvests to come.



Once they went further into the King's Palace, they saw a large dining hall with all the people who would participate in the Baldies.

In his throne was the old King Nabbulus, with his gray tangled hairs and long midnight green cape. He sat atop a golden throne, and looked eagerly at his guests.

Flanking the King to his right and left respectively were the royal guards of the King, Sir 06050 and Sunny. They looked about with a stern, cool face.

Klitus saw his friends too, the sailors of the Mother Lewis. He caught Jay Rock's eye, who gave him a nod, then returned to the fine dame he was conversing with.

Out of the corner of his eye, Klitus saw three light-blue glowing ghosts.



One was Hamrahead, his guardian hammerhead shark. The other, Ceejay, who gave Klitus the double bird, Michael Vick style. The last was his friend from the Haven, Olynd, who playfully pointed his knife at Klitus.

This was the Baldies, Klitus thought. He had gone through treacherous challenges to get here, and now, he was here in the presence of the King. He would represent The Haven well, he thought, and decided to join in the festivities.

Nothing could stop him now.

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theuntouchable wrote:
Think about this phire. I am the real chow.

RainbowCarebear wrote:
Only for the quick and lucky.


Last edited by Phire on Sun Oct 21, 2012 2:51 am; edited 3 times in total
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ninjapirate


Joined: 14 Jan 2005
Posts: 34417
Location: Vegas
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 7:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I tried to fix this last year and all of you failed me. So I wont bother this year.
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Small d = pastry
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LOLKevinKolb


Joined: 25 Jan 2011
Posts: 10177
Location: YOLO
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

'ianlewis Award'

This poster spews the sloppiest, drunkest posts among the many sloppy, drunken posts in our little forum
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And use the boners for soup to survive through the winter

Bird Watch: Keelan Johnson - one magnificent tackle
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Eagles_808


Joined: 12 Mar 2008
Posts: 27814
Location: California
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Phire wrote:
The only suggestion I have is that we immortalize some of the best posters we've had by naming awards after them, I propose the

"Art Vandalay Award"

Very similar to the Frank Rizzo award. Always does it "for Art". The poster that is fearless in rival forums and picks fights just for the sake of doing it for Art. The fighting spirit of the Eagles.


I like this idea.

Also, some kind of Dawkins associated award would be nice, too.
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[quote="Leon Sandcastle"]Chip Kelly's system is college material...that stuff doesn't fly in the NFL[/quote]
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willy_law


Joined: 10 Jan 2010
Posts: 9381
Location: Villanova University
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 7:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am down for the Art Vandalay award
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Nabbs4u


Moderator
Joined: 28 Jul 2007
Posts: 23237
Location: North Carolina Kiltman on the Sig
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 8:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
'Steegles46 Award'

For those that knew him, I think the award name speaks for itself. Steegles was a great part of this Eagles forum and really helped it develop into one of the more active forums on the entire website. This member exemplifies the qualities of a model member and can be said to be "most likely to become a moderator". This member always keeps his cool and offers great insight in a positive manner.


As it was brought up last season this award "Should Not" be given to any current Mod but a person whom could be a future Mod. In other words do not nominate 808 or Phire for this award, period.

As I mentioned to Phire I am also taking my name out of any considerations for any award. Although I am truly grateful and honored by the previous 3 years worth of GSA support it's time for the next Stud to be recognized. I promise to have the Golden pants dry cleaned before being Fred X overnight to your home. Wink I believe both Mods above should stay eligible for any and all considerations other then the Steegs award and neither should take their name out of the running.

Arrow Since I will no longer be in contention I leave it up to Phire and the masses if they would like to send their Nomination entry PM's to me for tallying up. Your choice let me know?
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Jeremy Maclin: 7 Gm/ 39 Rec/ 632 Yds/ 6 TD/ 16.2 YPC/
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RollEagles


Joined: 10 Jan 2012
Posts: 7773
Location: Boston, MA
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 8:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Baldies are here!

My first Baldies.
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jonu62882


Joined: 17 Nov 2008
Posts: 18703
Location: Philadelphia, PA
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 9:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Phire wrote:
The only suggestion I have is that we immortalize some of the best posters we've had by naming awards after them, I propose the

"Art Vandalay Award"

Very similar to the Frank Rizzo award. Always does it "for Art". The poster that is fearless in rival forums and picks fights just for the sake of doing it for Art. The fighting spirit of the Eagles.


Art lost his cojones, and is a shell of his former self. Dude's practically a Giant's fan now.

It's sad, really.
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RollEagles wrote:
We got jonu back.That was a big win.
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Kiltman


Joined: 25 Nov 2007
Posts: 14989
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 9:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Eagles_808 wrote:
Phire wrote:
The only suggestion I have is that we immortalize some of the best posters we've had by naming awards after them, I propose the

"Art Vandalay Award"

Very similar to the Frank Rizzo award. Always does it "for Art". The poster that is fearless in rival forums and picks fights just for the sake of doing it for Art. The fighting spirit of the Eagles.


I like this idea.

Also, some kind of Dawkins associated award would be nice, too.

We could rename the Frank Rizzo Award for Dawk. Either 'The Dawkins Award' or 'The Dawk/Rizzo Award' if we wanna go Big T10 style.
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I kind of want to taste it
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sunnygsm


Joined: 30 Dec 2008
Posts: 10446
Location: Vancouver,BC
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 9:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You should make lots and lots of awards so that there is on for everyone.
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^Kempes
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Phire


Moderator
Joined: 12 Jan 2007
Posts: 50100
Location: #FSU #championchip #2012BirdsHoF #2012GoldStnd #YAKtoseIntolerant #TrollyRangers #Danes #CAVALRY
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 9:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

sunnygsm wrote:
You should make lots and lots of awards so that there is on for everyone.


Although it comes close occasionally, this is not the special Olympics where everyone and their mothers get a medal Smile
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theuntouchable wrote:
Think about this phire. I am the real chow.

RainbowCarebear wrote:
Only for the quick and lucky.
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ianlewis16


Joined: 07 Dec 2004
Posts: 23978
Location: Proud Eagles Forum First Ballot HOF Member
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 10:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

LOLKevinKolb wrote:
'ianlewis Award'

This poster spews the sloppiest, drunkest posts among the many sloppy, drunken posts in our little forum


i hope all of you are listening to this dude.

my thoughts;

- isn't it suspicious that Matts has started posted in here again. just around this time of year...
- ninja needs to be disqualified from contention for his shameless rigging attempts last year
- ninja should be considered for every award due in large part to his awesome ballot box stuffing fail last year
- if nabbs threepeats i abdicate my thrown as king of the forum. you've been warned
- we need to think carefully about the host. SoS and LionsFTW deserve strong consideration
- no awards for danish people
- i hate eagles27 this time of year for some reason
- for the love of flyindawkins can someone put out a decent spread this time. i'm sick of phire's mom's carrot cake
- open bar (looking at your eric)
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Kempes wrote:
There's Eastern Time, there's Greenwich Mean Time and then there's ianlewis time.

Blahman88 wrote:
I control the EBB.......except Ian, no body can control him
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Eagles27


Moderator
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 31195
Location: Vancouver, BC
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 10:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ianlewis16 wrote:
- i hate eagles27 this time of year for some reason

Thanks for ruining my day.
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#JDI
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babyatemydingo


Joined: 15 Jan 2007
Posts: 6877
Location: South Jersey
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 10:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

sunnygsm wrote:
You should make lots and lots of awards so that there is on for everyone.


For you, we will call those who don't win "almost winners" as opposed to losers.

But, as for "participation trophies" in this Philadelphia based event ..... move to Seattle you stinkin' almost winner.
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